a theos

I found out I’m doing well in all of my classes, and that’s a secret relief because one of my classes in particular was really difficult. Turns out I have an 81% in that class, and that’s before my professor grades my final paper. :D

The thought that I won’t have to go to school next semester is making me giddy.

I have plans!

1. GRADUATE! <—in 7 days

2. Go to California and visit family and friends. :D <— in 8 days!

3. Go to NYC and visit a friend. :D <— in 10 days!

4. Search for jobs! <— undetermined time frame

5. Start to actually go to Freethinkers meetings, haha! (ongoing)

6. Spend quality time with friends that I couldn’t spend during the semester (ongoing)

7. Read books like there’s no tomorrow! (ongoing)

8. Maybe learn to play piano/guitar? (I’ve been wanting to for a long time)

9. Eventually move out! ^_^

I’m so excited, I cannot wait!

The end of the semester is rapidly approaching. I’m so excited! I can sense real life hovering just beyond the horizon.

I applied for a credit card. It feels like a very adult thing to do.

I have big plans for reading lots of books. I cannot tell you how excited I am to get started. :D

I also hope to hike a lot this summer, and apply for higher-than-minimum-wage jobs. ^_^

38 days until my undergraduate career is over! I cannot WAIT. Damn semester is driving me insane. Despite everything though, I will miss university culture. But I won’t regret my college career being over (for now).

Then I get to go to NYC and have fun and relaaaax. :D

I just have to keep telling myself that I can do it. I can make it through the semester. But then I sit at the computer, mind numb and body paralyzed. I can’t do it. Iliterallycannot.

I made an appointment with a counselor for next week. I should have done it sooner. But I couldn’t. Showing up for the appointment - that’s the easy part. Taking initiative? That’s astoundingly difficult. I’ve lost all drive, all desire, and all I want to do now isescape this motherfucking placeand lose the oppressive air this house has.

School used to be a balm. I could forget my troubles there - it was the perfect excuse. I’m sorry, I can’t do this, I have school. Sorry, I’m busy with homework. Sorry, school, sorry homework, sorry sorry sorry. I used to take time and go on walks between classes, and it felt so amazingly wonderful to not becontrolled.

Now I can’t escape my problems at school. I’ve always been the friend that people lean on - I don’t mind it. But now everyone has a problem and I cannot focus on my own and I just get stuck. I had a personal revelation recently - sorry, I’ve only told five people, and I’m not ready to tell more. But I’m what I would call a slow personal thinker - it takes me a long time to push through emotional muck, but when I do I am satisfied with my conclusions, for the most part. This revelation took more than ten years to confront and accept, and I’m still testing the waters. This revelation couldn’t have chosen a more horrendous moment to rear its’ head, and now with everyone else leaning on me it’s a miracle I haven’t gone insane.

But don’t worry. There’s still hope. As much as I complain, I am coping. I just have 44 days until this is all done.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. Monday was a snow day (snow has the tendency to make me depressed when it was warm and beautiful a couple days before and it looked like summer was finally coming), Tuesday I realized that I had completely forgotten that I had skipped one of my classes prior to spring break, thus I had missed picking up my assignments. Wednesday I stayed up until 2 am working on homework. Wednesday, I think, was the most stressful: I sent an email to one of my best friends at around 11:00pm just venting, because I really needed someone to talk to. I needed to have someone assure me that I was worth a damn. Thankfully, she emailed me back. Thank goodness for good friends. Thursday I had a lot to do, and very little time to do it. I had a meeting with my professor to discuss my honors project, and I became frustrated because at times it feels as if he and I are speaking two different languages with no common vocabulary. But thankfully I didn’t have any homework to do for Friday, so Thursday night I actually got to bed on time.

And today is Friday. I’m sitting in a small cafe on campus, with three hours until my next class and idly thinking that it may be a smart idea to work on homework. But goddamnit it’s a beautiful day and I’m relaxing, so screw homework.

I will be so frikkin’ happy to be done with school.

Well, things have a tendency to go downhill. Neither of the two interviews worked out, and I just discovered that I probably bombed one of my midterms (which I had thought I had done really well on). I had a friend come visit me over spring break, which was great, but now he’s gone and the stress is getting back to me. I wish there was a way that I could just sign off and say, “OK, I’m done working on my degree now, now hand me my diploma”. Too bad it doesn’t work that way.

The good news is, I saw two friends today just randomly on the street. Both of them I know from high school. One confessed to me last year that she was atheist. The other I saw with a crucifix around his neck. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.

So, I had a phone interview today and I have an interview (for a different company) set up for tomorrow. I feel 50/50 about how the phone interview went, but I’m really hoping that I get the job because I would get a chance to work in customer service for higher pay, in a new city and with benefits. And when you haven’t even graduated from college, that’s pretty enticing. :) The other company is in town, but I’m not so sure I’m interested - I really, desperately want to get away. But, I won’t turn down an interview - I mean, come on! I get experience and perhaps a potential job offer if the other job doesn’t work out.

I’m on spring break right now, but I’m finding that despite the fact that I have a lot of time on my hands, I cannot seem to work on homework. More so than usual, actually - I’ve caught senioritis and it won’t go away. Here’s to hoping I don’t fail my classes.

A friend is coming to visit later this week. I can’t wait to see him - we’re going to go to the freethinkers group meeting here in town.

Sorry, just a little type-therapy (haha). Ignore this is you want.

There are times when it’s quiet, overcast and chilly, and I breathe in the crisp cool air. At those moments, I am so happy to be alive: in those moments, the world seems to vast and complex, with infinite possibility and incomprehensible beauty. In those moments, I feel as if I am truly in the world, rather than just walking through it. I feel as if I could fly. I look up at the towering trees, and I recognize that I am small and inconsequential, yes, but that my existence has meaning to me. And that is enough.